Female Passive Agression

Dear Aunty Blog,

I don't know what to do. My 13 year old daughter started at Secondary school when we moved to a new area and seemed to settle in fine, made friends easily and has been happy there.

My older daughter went into year nine at the same school (at that time aged 13) and had an awful time. She was badly bullied and as a result we had to move her to a private school where she has been fine since. The school were totally inept at dealing with the situation and despite my daughter having no problems prior or since her experience at the school, they were in total denial about her being bullied and even seem to favour protecting the bullies.

Now my younger daughter is experiencing problems too. One of her 'friends' has brought a group of new girls to join their friendship circle but seems to have decided she doesn't want my daughter (or one of her other friends) around anymore. She is loud, rude, she excludes them and this weekend the situation got worse.

Six of the girls, including my daughter went to Birmingham City centre for the ill-fated free xmas light concert. We didn't really want her to go but after much begging we agreed but only once the i's had been dotted and the t's crossed - i.e. stick together, spare cash in the bra, times agreed for coming home etc.

Not long after arriving in town I received a call to say the 'leader' and two others had gone off and that my daughter and her two friends (one of which is the other one who seems less favoured by the 'leader') were trying to find them.

To cut a long story short the other girls made it impossible for them to find each other and due to the disastrous organisation of the concert which was cancelled due to health and safety, my daughter and her two friends were brought home in a car by one of her friend's mother.

Prior to this I'd called the 'leader' who was not answering her phone to the other girls and asked her to call them. I also asked her about the fact that she'd been saying she was going to get the bus home when it had been agreed that they would all get the train. She denied this and then called my daughter and made up lots of lies about things I was supposed to have said to her.

That evening 'the leader's' mother called to ask if my daughter was OK, she said that they had obviously had a fall out and would all have their own version of events but that her daughter wanted to forget about it all and move on. I agreed that my daughter would want to do the same and for their to be no accusations on either side.

When my daughter got to school yesterday morning she said 'hi' to everyone however she quickly found out that 'leader' had spread rumours around the whole friendship circle, including those who weren't there and had the whole story twisted. My daughter and her friend spent lunch on their own and many of the girls are ignoring or whispering about them. The third girl who was with my daughter at the concert decided, once she'd see how the 'leader' had manipulated the situation, jumped right back in with her by saying it was all a misunderstanding . This is because she was so worried about how all the other girls had become involved and feared being shuned by the group so she is not getting the same treatment as the other two.

I tossed and turned last night wondering how bad this will get. It has been building up to this for a while and I am so worried that my daughter will end up being bullied as my eldest daughter was. I want to call the mother of the 'leader' and inform her about her daughter's antics but deep down I know it will only make things worse. Yet it is so hard to stand back and watch. One of the problems I see with the culture in the school is that the children all seem to have very set friendship groups so if you are shoved out of one by a bully, it is hard to break into other circles - jealousy and control seem to be the order of the day.

Am I right to stand back and support her from afar or should I wade in and try to nip it in the bud?

Yours,

A Worried Mum

Grumpy old woman

I went to visit the house we're going to move into this morning. We shall be off on the 3rd of next month and we've all been pretending it's not really going to happen. Having been and seen it again I feel a bit better about it. It's not a patch on where we are now but it's clean and sufficient in terms of space, in a good location and will cost us less in rent and heating bills.

The big downer - not bringing the dog - is still worrying me. Boy Rugby still doesn't know and I haven't found the right time....yes I'm a coward.

The landlord was there today. At first he wasn't really going to engage with us, then we got chatting and he told us a lot about himself. How his mother used to live in the house, how she got ill and they were going to move in with her so they had an extension built but then she became too ill before it was finished so they moved her into a nursing home where she died soon after. How his wife was then diagnosed with MS and sadly passed away this June and he is now not able so sleep... I hardly felt able to bother him with our pet issue and have decided to broach it once we've moved in and perhaps established more of a relationship with him. Poor guy, he was really hurting.

I am pretending that Christmas is not really happening next month as I imagine are most people who find themselves having to move in December and would be grateful if Costa Coffee would not play Christmas music during the quick 20 minutes I spend chatting with a friend in town. Per-lease! As if that isn't bad enough we have Argos ramming toy adverts at us and the card shops practically bereft of anything except Santa cards - woe betide anyone who decides to get married or sick or need to be thanked from October onwards - it's CCCHHRRRISTMAS!!!! Bah humbug!

Oh and what about Halloween? What ever happened to scary please? My teenage daughters went out as the most glamorous witches I've ever seen. Sparkly hotpants, high heels and false eyelashes? Boo!!! Feeling scared Mum...?

No, just OLD.

Go! Fight! Win!

It is gradually dawning on me how much we will miss our beloved pet Charlie when he goes to live with my parents - four hours away - when we move into our new rented house. I knew it wouldn't be easy of course, but at the moment I am acutely aware of how often the children turn to him. He's an unconditional friend, always there for them, pleased to greet them on their return from school, cuddle them by the fire, play games in the garden and even facilitate the earning of pocket money by cheerfully agreeing to be walked. What a star.

During some of our bleakest times I have turned to him too, a good walk with the dog lifts the spirits, offers exercise and fresh air. I shall always be a walker, but it won't be the same without him. I hope my mum copes with him and am grateful she's agreed to have him. Let's hope she knows what she's let herself in for!

I suppose it also marks another (albeit temporary) goodbye. Life seems to have closed in since we left the north two and a half years ago. More doors have closed than have opened.

Each time we have had to deal with a goodbye - to family, home, job, healthcarers, the glue that binds us five gets stronger. We're not happier for it, life is difficult and has been for a while now, but as a unit we have to support each other more and more.

It's strange when you can't plan for the future but the flip side of it is that you stay very much in the now. I just comfort myself with the thought that this has to be a numbers game. If Mr. Reason's applies for enough jobs, eventually his number will come up. If we've eaten the house money and our furniture by then, there's nothing I can do about it. We begin from scratch. I just hold on to the fact that I have my family. My reasons to be cheerful.

Perhaps going ever so slightly mad...

Cathartic though it is to write about our difficulties, sometimes it is tiring to be aware of how bad things are and may yet be, so for a while I have promised myself I will only post about good things that are happening. So you won't be hearing from me for a while.

Joke.

Today I did a wonderful Qigong class with my very treasured Parisienne Pal and we ate poached eggs and drank tea afterwards. The sun is shining and later my exuberant 10 year old will return from a weeks trip away. I will make his favourite meal of shrimp, rice and veg. I know, it's not exactly the norm for a 10 year old boy but stems from days by the beach at his aunt's beach house at Alligator Point in Florida. Happy days.

Autumn Baby (16 on Sunday) is bouncing around the place like Tigger because she loves birthdays, hers in particular, and shines with happiness.

Also, I want to thank Lori and Rosario for the award above and ask you all to please accept it if you don't have it already. This award is an acknowledgement of womanhood and sisterhood. I can't tell you how much your support has meant to me lately, please take the award and post it on your blog. Honorary sisters have to include Dagenham Dave and Rob-Bear...all helping to ensure I am only slightly mad instead of totally barking.

There.

I did OK didn't I?

Not a whinge in sight.

What made you smile today?

Between a rock and hard place

Boy Rugby has been away on a school trip all week. He hasn't really enjoyed school very much recently and has had two school changes to endure since our move from the north so I am hoping it is all going well. No mobile phones were allowed which I am grateful for because if he'd called and sounded fed up I would have worried. All will be revealed when he returns, no doubt tired but hopefully happy, tomorrow.

Last night I took advantage of the youngest being away and went out for the evening with Spring Baby (13) to see "UP" the new Walt Disney animation.



As is typical of Walt Disney animation the story was about as far fetched as can be but the characters were real; the old guy was grumpy but sweet with a history he held dear to his heart, the boy was needy and irritating at times, but loyal and gutsy. The story...triumph over adversity...oh yes you can see why it hit the spot can't you? Keep going, never give up, don't look back... We all have times in our lives when we need to heed this advice.

Mr. Reasons is away today on the second stage of an interview. He's had one already for this job, done a challenge and psychometric test on-line and today it's a four hour interview. I have to be honest I don't hold out much hope. I know, I know, that's not like me. It's defeatist and negative and of course I would never say as much to him. Yet the truth is he is between a rock and a hard place; too experienced for many jobs and out of work too long for others, in a market with talent applying for positions in their hundreds. The company employs psychiatrists to peer deep inside your soul then they write reports on their findings, picking apart your every strength and weakness. I honestly don't know how he does it.

Giving up of course is not an option though. You can only keep trying. Over and over, until one day...the news will be good.

Once we have moved house again I will take on more work (health permitting) to help ease the burden, but our family set up has always been that he works long and far and I worked in and close to the home, teaching English to foreign students. My contribution will not be enough.

I feel so sad that he has been forced into this situation. I know he is not alone, there are many many people out there in the same and worse positions. Here's hoping for all of them, for their careers, their self esteem, their families and their security.

Over the top

Lovely Ribbon of Fragments, Treasures, Memory has fowarded the following award and a challenge to answer some questions with just one word. Here goes:




1. Where is your cell phone? Nearby

2. Your hair? Blonde

3. Your mother? Caring

4. Your father? Rut

5. Your favorite food? Outside

6. Your dream last night? Forgotten

7.Your favorite drink? Champagne

8. Your dream/goal? Security

9. What room are you in? Dining

10. Your hobby? Blogging

11. Your fear? Poverty

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Undecided

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren't? Relaxed

15. Muffins? Nah

16. Wish list item? Job

17. Where did you grow up? UK

18. Last thing you did? Housework

19. What are you wearing? Greys

20. Your TV? Off

21. Your pets? Dog

22. Friends? Far

23. Your life? Complicated

24. Your mood? Impatient

25. Missing someone? Tom

26. Vehicle? Citroen

27. Something you're not wearing? Rings

28. Your favorite store? Health

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? Schoolfriend

33. One place that I go to over and over? Canal

34. One person who emails me regularly? Brother

35. Favorite place to eat? Moroccan

Please feel free to help yourself to the award and the challenge. Sorry to be a lazy Blogger but I'm still a little under the weather. Turns out my bug was food poisoning and it's taking a while to recover.

Other news is we found a house. The paperwork is yet to be signed and there is a major, major drawback. The landlord won't accept pets in the house. Chaz will have to stay with my parents until we have our own home. The children are very unhappy, Boy Rugby has gone away on a weeks school trip and I delayed telling him that it was most likely going to happen, for obvious reasons. I have that little chesnut to deal with when he returns.

Forty Four and Thinner

Things didn't go quite as planned this weekend. As I was driving up the motorway I felt shivery and unwell. That night I was struck down by some awful gastro bug and have been pretty much flat out ever since. So no birthday hangover and I've lost a bit of weighted - hey who said I never look on the bright side?

Mr. R had to return home the with children in his car which he had because he'd joined us after an interview elsewhere. Myself and Chaz the dog remain up north because I'm still just too ill to drive. Hopefully tomorrow I will be well enough to travel and can return home in time for our wedding anniversary.

It seems that so far they have managed well at home without me. Mr. R made a beef stew last night and managed to refrain from adding hot spices right at the last minute. He's really learning. Boy Rugby got to school with sandwiches and clean underpants and the girls did some washing - so what do you know? Miracles can happen! Mind you they've had one day...

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If anyone knows of Suburbia's e/mail address, could they please drop me a comment with it on. Her blog has gone private and I didn't have time to pop over there and nab her details to reach her. Thank you!